Chris Rock, the host of this year’s Oscars, effectively a valet for white people’s awards.
“It was great that a black man could at least be on stage,” said one actress, “because we needed some comic relief.”
Best Director was won by Latino Alejandro González Iñárritu but their underrepresentation is less important as there is no cool slogan to highlight it.
Scientists have analysed over 4500 articles, audio and video containing hyperbole in the title are likely to be rather boring.
Videos where a television presenter or politician allegedly “DESTROYS THE TORIEZ!” largely contain nothing more than passionate criticism. The Conservative government has so far remained intact
A French court has determined that Calais migrants can be evicted, which will likely lead to them moving to a slightly different part of France.
“Will you head back to Syria? ” we asked.
“No,” said one of the Syrian refugees. “France has police who might hit us with sticks. ISIS would likely hack off parts of our genitals.
“I like my genitals.”
Prime Minister’s Questions is a real thing about actual politics, it has been revealed.
“You are taking the piss,” said Tara, 45, an IT consultant from Slough. “I didn’t realise that was the actual Prime Minister.”
Following the “your Mum” jokes fashionable amongst teenagers in the late 90s, next week Dara Ó Briain will host a three-hour version edited to make it a seem spontaneous and off-the-cuff.
Governor Jeb! has outplayed Donald Trump by undermining his slogan ‘Make America Great Again’ with his new slogan ‘Make America Really Great Again’.
“Why should we settle for merely making America great, Donald?” asked Jeb!. “I want to make America really great again.
“We were once really great. We can be again. We shouldn’t settle for mere greatness but aim for, er, reallily greatness. Yes that’s a word.”
The audience at the new announcement for the slogan were unaware Jeb! was speaking however.
Candidate for Republican presidential nomination Donald Trump has threatened to murder literally everybody who disagrees with him if he becomes elected President.
It is believed he will personally pay for such a militia who will sing ‘Make Democracy Great Again’ by silencing those that disagree.
A woman has ameliorated the sadness she felt by seeing a dolphin die on an Argentinian beach by consuming the corpse of an animal slaughtered in an abattoir.
“It’s great,” said Cara Blatt, 35. “Eating one dead animal made me feel better about having had to see another dead animal.”
Republican candidate for presidential nomination Governor Jeb! has argued that he deserves credit for merely being involved in the process.
Trump has called him a socialist and claimed it was in fact Jeb! who flew the planes into the Twin Towers. ! (who recently changed his surname from Bush to !) has refuted this whilst taking breaks to quietly sob in the corner.
Sufferers and relatives of sufferers of mental ill health have responded to revelations that treatment of mental illness is underfunded with acerbic sarcasm.
Part of the new funding programme will involve finding people who claim those with depression should just get over it and kicking then in crotch.
In final swipe at progressive politics, conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has blamed his own death on gay marriage.
Advocates of Obamacare sad not to be blamed but understood the role that gay marriage had played in his death and some natural disasters.